The Founder of PorSFiS: Ed Foster
A brief bio of the man who started it all.
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Ed Foster came to Oregon on the Oregon Trail in 1844. Little is known of his early life and the year of his birth is not clear. With no real photographs available, no one can tell if he was 20, 30, or 40 at the time.
Records show that he settled near Oregon City, homesteading a donation land claim. In 1853, he sent the first known specimen of the slug-eyed fish-bat to Philadelphia. Unfortunately, it was damaged in transit and not properly identified until 1984. In 1848, he started the first circulating library in Oregon using his personal library and writings with a total membership over the years of 8.
He was a frequent correspondent of Edgar Allen Poe until the latter's death. Edgar was convinced his friend shared his affection for certain substances... especially after receiving detailed notes on the slug-eyed fish-bat.
During the turmoil of the War between the States, Foster was rumored to have served as an intelligence correspondent. However, given the lack of intelligent decisions during the conflict, it is a question to whom he rendered the reports and whether they were intelligence, anti-intelligence/disinformation, or just balderdash, and which side received the most of these.
Foster, himself, claims to have gone to Nevada during this period, looking for the legendary "Blue Bucket" mine. The mine continues to be legendary to this date. However, Ed Foster deposited a large sum of silver in Carson City Bank around this period. It is not known that sum's subsequent use.
In 1867, Foster founded the Multnomah Gun Club in emulation of the Baltimore Gun Club. After the Baltimore Gun Club's moon shot, the Multnomah club announced plans to fire a similar projectile to Mars, bearing diplomatic greetings to the builders of Schiaparelli's canali. Unfortunately, this project was bankrolled primarily with donations from Ed Foster and an explosion during loading resulted in the creation of the Mt. St. Helens caldera.
In 1885, the Multnomah Gun Club's Mars Gun was lost at sea while being transported to the launch site. It resurfaced at a beach south of Seaside which was then named "Cannon Beach".
In 1887, Ed Foster designed what he claimed to be the first pay telephone booth, inspired by a blue box he had found while climbing Mt. Hood. Unfortunately, his patent application was filed shortly after that of Elija Gray. Gray won the subsequent legal battle.
In 1893, Ed witnessed and reported the presence of a large black disk that swallowed cattle at Shaniko. The cattle, being driven west to slaughter, simply walked through this disk and disappeared. Ed reported a disembodied voice saying, "... ten ... that should take care of our Mac-shortage today!" He was disbelieved.
While on Mt. Hood, he also found Lost Lake which so-and-so had lost, to the great disgust of the surrounding Indian tribes in 1830. He was careful to leave a well-blazed trail so that no-one could accuse him of losing the lake again.
In 1900, Foster founded the United States Anti-agathic Medicine Company. He has remained on the board of directors, since. Surprisingly, the company has managed to evade many take-over attempts.
Ed Foster inadvertantly created the "Church of the Lottery" when attempting to establish a state-run lottery. People prayed, either for or against, thus was born the "Church of the Lottery" which later became the "24-Hour Church of Elvis", who having come back many and many a time, won the lottery of Life. This was due to a typographical error, where a columnist for the Oregonian confused "Presbyterian" with "Preslytarian", allowing true believers to take over the dying "church".
The Multnomah Gun Club resurfaced in 1933, in response to the beaching of a whale at Florence. The State Highway Commission contracted the club to remove the whale with dynamite at Ed Foster's suggestion. Unfortunately, the resulting blast was insufficient to completely destroy the carcass, and the gun club declared bankruptcy from subsequent lawsuits. They gave a whole new meaning to the term, "Thar she blows!"
In 1942, he singled-handedly repelled a Japanese invasion of Oregon, standing tall at Bandon as the rest of the National Guard was mis-directed to Bend.
In 1957, an alleged descendant of Ed's bought all the units in a mobile home park as a long-term investment. Unfortunately, within the year, the landowner had sold the terrain out from under them. Since the land lay in the proposed I-205 corridor, all units were blown up, revealing a hitherto undiscovered burial ground dating to approximately 1100 CE. Subsequent study of the artifacts at the Smithsonian uncovered Indian relics and remains and also several silver coins apparently of Norse origin. These remains were repatriated to the Confederated Tribes of Warm Springs in 1983 and have since been re-interred leaving unresolved archeological questions.
In 1970, while attending the Vortex festival, Foster was seen wandering into the near-by woods, where he later claimed to have encountered and communicated with a Sasquatch. Said he, "The Sasquatch said, 'How are my stocks doing?" Unfortunately, Foster's camera was over-exposed in a lab accident and the evidence was lost.
During a 1980 visit to San Francisco, Foster reported encountering a man in a white robe with a headband covering his ears. This story was eventually related to Gene Roddenberry and is believed to be the inspiration to the movie, StarTrek 4.
Foster has claimed at least three marriages; the first in 1851; another in 1902, and the last one, with a grin, he refuses to say.
Foster volunteered in the clean-up of the Vanport Flood of 1947. He later reported finding in the mud of North Portland an eldritch tentacled monster, looking a bit like Tlaloc, the Rain God. The specimen was sent to Misketonic University, Foster's alma mater, but no published reports resulted.
Our Esteemed Founder can be reached, occasionally, at firstname.lastname@example.org. He may or may not get back to you. He occasionally (read: frequently) takes off to parts unknown. In those times, we answer his email for him. He's a busy man, you know.